still with the weak chi

I went to a new acupuncturist this afternoon: Dr. Gao, the Real McCoy. That's what his sign should say.

I've been bothered by chemo-exacerbated arthritis in my hands, and I don't want to get steroid shots or have surgery unless I really have to. Dr. Gao did the usual Chinese medicine things: he spent a long time listening to my pulses, checking out my tongue, then rechecking it awhile later. He seemed kind of fascinated by my dry lips, and mentioned them a few times in our two hours together. Your lip dry, he says. Most people don't point out anything about my lips, ever.

He says my system is depleted. All of this he tells me in very broken English, which makes my heart pump with warmth. I just love a good Pekingese-filtered English, and I begin to fall into a mirroring cadence, too.

He goes to move my boots under the table. "I get, I get," I say as he says, "I get, I get." He gets.

He looks at my intake form. "You have the cancer."

"Yes. Bress. Lass year. I lose both bress. I had the chemo, too," I say.

"Aiya, the chemo is bad-very-bad," he says. "Bad for body."

I can't give one of my standard responses, like "True, but it sure as heck beats the alternative," because I know he wouldn't follow me through that sentence. I say, "The chemo was bad for my body."

He puts a bunch of needles in my hands, plus several on my face and scalp. He connects some of the needles to a machine that sends electrical pulses my way, and my hands twitch while I rest. Dr. Gao's hands are warm and dry, and are shaped like my dad's. I resist the impulse to ask him if I could just hold his hand for a minute, or maybe just look at it closely, smell it. I'll bet there's some garlic within it, just under the skin.

He tells me I should not do detox. Too deplete. Detox only have excess chi. You have deficient. Need protein. Need get a stronger.

I just want to hear him talk. I want to hear the broken sentences. They are like protein to my heart.

Your mama American? Waah! You look Chinese! I think you not 55. I think you young. You just deficient in body. Chi stagnant. I think maybe body missing part cut off. Herb maybe help.

I am taking all this in. He is hurting my hand, actually, pushing my tender joints with his strong, brown, dry thumbs. He presses hard where my joint is swollen, and I try to be stoic. I call on the Lamaze breathing techniques. He is both brutal and tender with my hand. He wants me rest hand, get a strong, too. Then he asks with concern, "You do hand job?"

No, I tell him. I don't really use my hands very much in my work. But somehow the question? Little bit break spell.