That's what a client said to me today as she was putting her coat back on at the end of session: "I found your blog."
"Oh," I said, not sure what to say next. My mind raced around the room, through a few fairly revealing blogposts, then back.
"Do you want me not to read it?" That was nice of her to ask, I have to say. I took a moment to answer.
"Well, I think if it's findable, I need to figure out how to deal with that. I can't tell you not to read it," I came up with. I think we both knew something had happened, but there weren't exactly words for it. It's like "Is this your underwear? It was hanging on the waiting room doorknob."
No, it's more than that.
It's like "your deepest fears and foibles are hanging on the waiting room doorknob. Would you rather I pretend not to see them?"
This is likely not the only client who has found my blog; just the one who had the courage to tell me. I'm feeling torn and sad. On the one hand, I work hard on this blog to be my most authentic self, and that is precisely what I am hoping to help my clients do in their own lives.
"The world was made to be free in!" I proclaim this all the time in session.
On the other hand, this complicates our connection. The juju of counseling is supposed to work in part because the focus is entirely on the client, and the therapist "self-discloses" only in the service of the growth of the client. That one has underwear, fears, and foibles is shared very judiciously, if at all.
I'm not sure if I need to shut taotechu down, give myself a nom de keyboard, just be free in the world, or what.
Of course: of course I know that when you put something into cyberspace, that's where it goes, and it becomes visible, findable. It's not practical for me to want "people" to find my blog and enjoy it, but not have my clients be among those people.
Really struggling with this one, dear followers, and you who are just stumbling upon taotechu. I would love to hear words of guidance and -- dare I ask this? -- comfort.
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Such a profoundly rich and sometimes complicated job we have, isn't it?! Finding that balance between open but boundaried that will best serve the purpose of those who find their way to our door (or phone, or computer these days) while also allowing us to exist in our humanness.
ReplyDeleteI know there are some who feel total clarity about what is appropriate and what not. You have a door for entry and a separate door for exit. You don't allow "your underwear" into the field of the therapeutic relationship. And then there are those of us who wish to work in a more fluid way, allowing a little more gray into the interior of that space that is the therapeutic relationship. It definitely adds a dimension of consciousness needed when one leans more toward more relaxed and fluid as therapist.
Even in this, p.......you are so graciously open in sharing the very human and challenging aspects of living in this world. There's not been an aspect of life that hasn't found its way to your pages. You have shared with such wit and intelligence and integrity how one little person/big Soul deals with being human.
We all crave kinship within the Tribe. Reading of one's travels is one of the ways this is possible for us in this big world we've evolved. Writing is another. Sure makes sense....sad and torn.
I know you will continue to give this as much thought and consideration as you do everything. Good luck with it.
Oh,Oh. I am seeing your underwear on the doorknob from Mexico City, dear Paula. This is a serious thing to consider. Gracias for asking your readers for their opinions. As a nurse, I understand your predicament. For me, it is all about my patients (most of the time). Occasionally, I will reveal a morsel of my personal life, if asked or if I think it is useful to the patient.
ReplyDeleteHowever, as a therapeutic client, I can honestly admit that I am very curious about the life of my usually poker-faced psychiatrist. After a long-term therapeutic relationship, He knows SO MUCH about me but has exposed so little of himself. But, when he does, it is like a precious gift to me and most probably in the service of my own growth. However, a few times he has slipped and spontaneously uttered a few words (usually at the end of the session when I am departing)that have revealed a hint of his personality and life.
One example is when I wished him a Happy Hanukkah one year and asked him (he has the most beautiful Jewish name), " I assume you celebrate it"? And, he dourly responded, " I'm afraid I cannot escape it". I left elated!
Of course, I know LOTS about him because I have googled him. (I hope he is not reading this....). I know he is married, has children, lives in a nearby town, went to this medical school, etc. etc. I want to know if he is a good husband, a good father, a nice neighbor. This holiday season when I was bemoaning the annual traditions a little, he said, "Things will be more fun when there's a grandchild around". So, now I know he's a grandfather! But, I already knew that because I had seen photos his kids had posted on facebook.
Writing this all down, I am beginning to think that maybe I am sicker than I thought or maybe this is typical, I don't know. I remember when I was a sophomore in college and taking Abnormal Psych, a few of us in class began exhibiting and identifying in ourselves some of the symptoms, real or imagined, we were reading about. So, we all went over to Student Health and signed up for therapy. Most of us had the same shrink and we used to compare notes about him. "Does he hand you a kleenex or push the box over in your direction"? Things like that.
All of this is to say that at least for me, dear Paula, if you were my therapist, I would stay up all night and read your blog start to finish. I would find it nearly impossible not to do so. And, maybe that wouldn't be a good thing for me or our therapeutic relationship.
In ending, I just want to say that I read your blog yesterday and had a very active dreamlife last night. I had a million dreams about so many people that I know. But, one brief dream was about you. You and Laura were standing in the produce section of a grocery store. You were embracing so tenderly and looking into each others eyes. It was such a sweet image, it almost made me cry.
Whatever you decide will be the right decision. And, I will be eternally grateful to you for sharing so much of your life, loves and struggles. Muchas Gracias Senora!
This is way out of my league, but I can imagine that you'll need to pull the plug on this blog, then resurface with a pseudonym of some sorts. And my first reaction is entirely selfish -- no! I love reading what you have to say!
ReplyDeleteUnlike a few of Bob's professor colleagues who belittle their students, not by name but by quoting their terrible papers, etc, on Facebook, you never talk about clients, and certainly never badmouth them, so it's easy for us readers to even forget that's your job.
So, a whole new challenge in the digital world. Have you Googled this dilemma? I'm sure you're not the first therapist to encounter this predicament. But you may be the best writer...
Whatever you do, keep writing. You can e-mail us if need be, but you have a faithful following who enjoy your words, and I know they are taking you somewhere -- with all of us along for the ride.
Hi, everyone:
ReplyDelete57 people have read this post as of tonight, and in the past that has been the kind of thing that is fun to track. Now it stirs more complicated feelings. I don't want it to. I just want to enjoy writing to you, and I think that experience is up to me.
I really did want to hear from people, so to you fabulous and brave commenters: thank you. And thanks, too, to those who wrote under cover of email. That is good enough.
Anyway, apparently even if I were to come up with a pseudonym, Google remembers blogs for a long time. They're like footprints in tar.
My inclination is to march on with taotechu. What would I write about if I couldn't make it as personal as it is? I don't think I could write in any other way. But then that's what makes me wince now.
I am mulling. I'll try not to do it for too long, though I do have a varsity letter in mulling.
Thank you for listening, always.
Love and courage,
p