where UPS guys go to the bathroom

     As I take my body for a walk, my mind always takes its own stroll.
     The other day I was nearing home, picking up my pace as the prospect of a bathroom became more and more compelling. A UPS truck whizzed by.
     "Where do UPS guys go when they need to pee?" I wondered. I'm sure there are times when our bathroom on Main Street, Farmington would bring great relief to the man in brown tossing a box onto the porch. But after lots and lots of UPS drop offs, no one in a delivery truck has ever asked to use our facilities.
     What if they have to pee in the truck? It looks like they're rearranging the boxes back there, but at some point they must go behind the boxes and do what must be done. Maybe the trucks are equipped with a little potty. Maybe just a wide-necked bottle. Poor guys!
     Maybe I should put up a little sign near our back porch. "Public restroom inside: please knock." What harm could there be in that? Who else is going to ask to use our bathroom? It's not like "if you build it, they will come." No one comes up our driveway looking for a bathroom.
     What did Ray Kinsella and his family do about bathrooms, out there in the "Field of Dreams"? Remember that line of cars, driving toward the baseball field at the end? Each one of those people is going to have to pee at some point. They should have thought this through! I love the idea of "if you build it, they will come," but let's not forget they will come with appetites and bladders. There must be kids in the back seats of those cars, too. When they've gotta go, they've gotta go.
     Maybe I should just ask the UPS guy if he needs to pee, on those occasions when I'm in the kitchen to actually take the package. "Thanks! Would you like to use our bathroom?" Ach, that would be too weird.
     I feel bad for them, though -- they have to hold it for so long. Maybe UPS has certain criteria for hiring drivers. You'd have to be able to go 8 straight hours without peeing. Guys can do that, though. Maybe that's why all the UPS and FedEx drivers are men. That and the size of the packages. Oh! That's funny. Except that's a penis joke, and I'm really wondering about bladders, so it doesn't work.
     I smile to myself as I walk along. I've yet to be bored on a walk, for reasons that should be apparent.
     I turn the last corner before home. There's that UPS truck, parked right here! And a guy in it! The world was made to be free in, the world was made to be free in. Just ask your question, p.
     "Excuse me, sir!" [he looks up] "Hello!"
     "Hlo." [he smiles, but continues to "rearrange the boxes"]
     "I'm so sorry to...interrupt. Do you mind if I ask a question?"
     "What's up."
     "Where do you guys go when you need to go to the bathroom?"
     "Offices."
     Ohhhhhhh. Offices! Right. How small is my world, for god's sake?
     That's good, though. I don't have to worry about them anymore. Saves me the trouble of making that sign.