I've never been too happy about opening a blog to find a long, long entry. But who the heck am I writing to and for anyway? Ellen, I know you're there. Couple of kids now and then, praps. The sleeping spouse (how weird is this? for me to be up before her, before the sun?). Other than that, I have no idea how helpful or interesting this may be.
Sally is coming to visit today. She was the first person to express rage about my cancer. She got angry at the smiling posters in the CVS windows. She wanted to smash them. I am still blinking rapidly over that. And Gail, who made a beautiful alpaca skin stuffed bear (her own alpaca, of course -- Gail is a two-breasted Amazon who can do ANYTHING), said she screamed "It's no fucking fair!" into the Maine woods when she heard about my cancer. Blink blink blink.
I don't feel angry at all. Maybe I will later. I have discovered that others get to hold the anger for me, or something like that. I get to hold the humor. I can joke about my cancer; nobody else can. Not yet. I am happy to hear humorous things -- a good laugh is my very favorite physical experience (yes, even more than what you are thinking). But my cancer is my family, and in an odd way I am similarly protective of it. I guess I need to know that whoever jokes about it loves me unconditionally. And even then, it's only funny coming from me. What is that?
Today's thoughts about the cancer: I think this experience will increase the depth of my compassion, which is always good. And humility, god knows. I worry that I am intrigued by death, and that even that thought will snag me somehow. I have always wanted to live a long life. For a long time now, my mantra has been “All my cells are doing their jobs perfectly to maintain my perfect health!” Wha hoppen?
I am interested to see how I will get through this. How will I need to change? What is going to happen with my great little running regimen, that has been so good for me? What will it mean for my practice, What about the part of me that feels relieved that I am not going to take new clients for awhile? Is that bad?
