hello from Mt. Holyoke

Walp, I did it. I am here in South Hadley, and I'm going to make it work for the next three days. Now it's too late for my fellow faculty to veto my having come even if they happen to read here that I think this may not be the smartest decision I've made. Still, it passes the Bettie Chu smell test -- I decided that I would probably regret not doing it more than I will regret doing it. May it be so.

The doctor gave me a greenish yellow light today when she heard about how much bone pain I am having. She was just delighted to hear that's arrived. Bone pain is a good sign that the neupogen and the neulasta are finally kicking in, cooking up little patties of white blood cells. She thinks if I can keep my distance from the participants, wash my hands with the compulsion of Adrian Monk, continue to hydrate, remind myself to eat (blecccch), and knock myself out for a good night's sleep, I should be able to fight off cooties. I have hired a surrogate hugger, my dear friend Roland, to give hugs for me. I wish I could hire someone to eat and hydrate for me. Ain't it a shame that water tastes bad?

Bone pain is weird, entirely new to me. It's a throbbing in the skeleton, particularly around the collar bone and the spine, sometimes the back of the pelvis. It comes with a quiet, throbbing headache that works in syncopated time with the skeletal throb. It's hard to pinpoint where it's coming from, because unlike muscle pain, there's not a particular way you can shift things to relieve the pain, and not a particular motion that brings it about. I am trying, though, to embrace it as a sign of good news, just like I want to see this relentless weakness as a sign that the chemo is doing its thang.

I'm saying all this in part because I really, really don't want to complain to the people I'll be spending the next several days working with. I want them to be impressed with my resilience and spunkiness. I want them to think I am doing fine.

Instead, I may complain here. Just a bit. But maybe pretty freely. Heads up.