Wulf-monath

Remember my dream that a wolf and January are looking for something? Before January drags its sorry backside out of here, chew on this: the Saxon term for January was Wulf-monath, or wolf month. Lauralee told me that. Back in the Saxon day, January was the time of year when the wolves got so hungry they came into the villages in search of food. If "wulf-monath" doesn't argue for the importance of unconscious processing during sleep, I don't know what does. And if it doesn't say something true about January, I'll eat one of my new hats.

I am just about bald now. There is a hair about every quarter of an inch of scalp. Here is a shot of me talking on the phone tonight with my beloved brother, Kevie. Yes, I know I have a great-shaped head. Thank you for thinking so. I still am not happy about the bald thing.

I have been feeling so crummy that I dragged my sorry backside to the doctor to find out what the heck. Turns out that my white blood cell count is, um, 0.7. Normal is somewhere around 7-11, and zero is as low as you can go. So I feel less crazy, but not much healthier. I got a shot of neupogen, which should help jump start my immune system. The whole medical team is trying to get me set for this counseling retreat I want to work at. If I can't get my numbers up by Friday, I can't go. I'll simply be too vulnerable.

So apparently along the continuum of responses to this particular type of chemotherapy, my system is fairly sensitive. This is a deep blow to my ego. I really, really thought I would be unusually stalwart and resilient throughout chemotherapy. I would be Far Better Than Average. I would impress the doctor and nurses with my wit and joie de vivre. Remember paula chu? Wow, she was a good patient. She knew how to put mind over matter. She could make her counts go up by using the Law of Attraction.

I am having, too, to rethink my grand scheme for my counseling practice. This is discouraging to me; it was such a great plan. Sure, I shrank the practice and have been declining new clients for months now. But I had hoped to feel well enough to see ten or twelve people a week. These are relationships, dammit! It's also tuition money, not to mention my passion. It is looking more and more like I may need to seclude myself at least during the adriamycin/cytoxan phase, to protect myself. And also, if I am feeling this debilitated, I would do a disservice to my clients to sit with them trying to rise to the occasion.

But back to the Law of Attraction! I'm thinking up up up. By Friday, please, up.