naked owl appears to lose battle but wins war

Last night, I dreamed that I was walking in a nature preserve, taking a path through a snow-covered meadow. On a high branch at the edge of the meadow was a snowy owl, majestic and utterly still. An eagle flew angrily squawking and screaming toward the owl, whose presence enraged the eagle for reasons that I couldn't fathom. The two stood on the branch and stared at each other, beak to beak, one angry and aggressive, the other peaceful yet defiant. The eagle started the fight, and when it was over, the snowy owl was entirely stripped of its feathers. The owl appeared to have lost the battle, but that was all the eagle had in it. The eagle flew away and left the naked owl standing where it had been, battered but resting on its chosen branch. It stood utterly still and looked out over the meadow.

I'm wearing a bit of makeup today, to compensate for lost feathers. Makeup is highly unusual for me, and I generally feel like I am totally faking it when I put it on ("I think this is the way grownups do this"). I woke to huge circles under my eyes (again with the owl!), and if I were at home, I'd get Laura to take an early morning photo to post just for the shock effect. The days of "you look well" passed quickly. But I'm actually feeling not too bad, and am glad I'm here.

This paragraph comes several hours later. I introduced myself to the participants this morning, and my fellow consultants had asked me to let people know about the cancer and chemo so that everyone knows to protect me from cooties. I surprised myself by beginning to cry as I outed myself. It dawned on me that there are very few people I have had to tell face-to-face about all this. Most people know through email, word of mouth, Laura. I have not had to say aloud that I am fighting breast cancer. It made my heart squeeze.

I will be tired at the end of the day, I know, but I'm earning my keep. I publicly designated my dear friend Roland as my pinch hugger and handshaker while I am here. This arrangement has been working well. For me, anyway.

Naked owl, signing out.