repeat from 3:00 to 5:30 a.m., while focusing on the breath

Rats. What time is it? 3:00. Shit. Focus on my breath. Relax. Relax. May I feel protected and safe. May I feel contented and peaceful. May my body support me with strength. May my life unfold smoothly and with ease. May I feel protected and safe. May I feel contented and peaceful. May my body support me with strength. May my life...what was it? May my life...um, unfold smoothly and with ease. May I feel...what if the cancer comes back? What would happen to the kids? What would happen to Laura? How big was that life insurance policy I got? How long would that last? Would the kids keep in close enough touch with each other? Would they take care of Laura? RELAX. Focus on my breath. In. Out. In. Out.

In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Whatever happens, will happen. The Universe didn't promise me a long life. In. Out. In. Out. But I always thought I'd live a long life! Stop. Am I thinking things that made me get cancer? Stop. Stop. In. Out. God, I have to sleep. In. Out. In. Out. Where's my hat? My head is cold again. There. In. Out. In. Out. What time is it? 3:30. Shit. In. Out. May I feel protected and safe. May I feel contented and peaceful. May I freaking relax. In. Out. In. Out. I have seven clients tomorrow! Why did I do that? I am going to be so tired! Is the sump pump still working? I haven't heard it in awhile. In. Out. In. Out. I need to pee. In. Out. In, relax. Out, relax. If I get up, I'll wake up even more. Relax. Focus on my breath. In. Out. In. Out. What's that other mantra I wanted to try? I invite peace into my life. I invite sleep into my life. Geez, now my head is hot. Could I put the hat half on, half off, so I don't get cold again? Will it stay like this, propped against me?

Rats. I really do need to get up and go to the bathroom. Can I get there without opening my eyes? Ow, nope.

Okay, maybe that will help. In. Out. In. Out. In. Oh -- there goes the sump pump. Out. In. Out. What time is it? 4:00. Achh. My back is tense again, just that tiny little tension. How does that happen? I don't even notice it clutching again. Okay, just let it relax. Maybe I can nap between my afternoon clients.

Is Laura asleep? I don't think so. Oh, that's bad. In. Out. 20. Breathe. 19. Breathe. 18. 17. 16. 15. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Rats. 20. 19. 18. 17. Imagine I am floating down a soft velvet tunnel, relaxing with each number. 16. 15. 14. 13. 12. In. Out. 11. 10. 9. It would suck to die in my 50s. 8. 7. 6. 5. Would I be in a lot of pain? 4. 3. Why is this so hard? Everyone in human history has had to do this. What happened with my cave dweller ancestors when one of them died? How did that person cope? How did their family cope? 2. 1. Shit! 20. 19. Soft velvet tunnel. 18. 17. 16. 15. Bet it sucked to be left alone in a cave. 14. 13. 12. 11. But everyone has to die. Stop! Focus on your breathing! Cave dweller men must have had incredible beards. Did my Asiatic cave dweller ancestors have kind of wispy beards? Stop! Sleep! What time is it? 4:45??? Oh, my god. I am going to be so tired tomorrow.

I am picturing all cancer cells dissolving. There are no cancer cells. Oh oh, the unconscious mind doesn't understand negatives, so it hears "cancer cells." How do I say it then? All my cells are healthy. All my cells are doing their jobs perfectly to maintain my perfect health. No cancer. Oh, shit! Stop thinking that word! Uhh, back up to maybe 13. 12. 11. 10. How is T'ai going to find a job? I'm worried about him. What if he can't find a job? Did he put enough energy into his law school essay? I shouldn't ask. How can I find out without asking and offending him? Forget it; the apps are in. He'll be fine. Remember him at age 4? What if something happened to one of the kids? Stop. Stop it!

Laura is rolling over. Too bad. She's awake, too. Ooh, that's bad. She's so tired. What if she gets sick? What if that eye pain she's been having turns out to be something awful? What if her mammogram comes back funky? That would be terrible. How would we handle that? Would I be as good to her as she's been to me? Probably not; she's so good to me. What's wrong with me? Why am I sometimes stingy with expressing my love to her? In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. No one would ever want to be with me if Laura died. Smooth forehead, cool forehead. Smooth forehead, cool forehead. In. Out. In. Who would want someone without breasts? I wouldn't want to be with someone else. Stop! Relax! Relax. Relax. In. Out. In. Out. Soft velvet tunnel. 20. 19. 18. Except I don't want to be alone in the cave, either. That must have been scary for my ancestors. 17. 16. 15. Soft velvet tunnel, dammit! 14. 13. Was it scarier than this? Must have been, and they handled it.

Did middle aged cave dweller women have trouble sleeping? They probably died before menopause. They died. 12. Everyone dies. What if the cancer comes back? Stop! 11. 10. 9. What was that mantra? May I feel protected and...protectedandsafe. May I feel contented and... peaceful. Peaceful? Or is it "at peace"? May my body support me with strength. What if I forget to take the steroids tomorrow night, like I'm supposed to do before treatment? May my life unfold smoothly and with ease. Did that person write this mantra to have "peace" rhyme with "ease"? It doesn't quite work, does it. Must be "peaceful." May I feel contented and peaceful. May I please sleep. In, sleep. Out, sleep.

20. 19. 18. Soft black velvet, floating down the tunnel. Seven clients. Jeez, that was stupid. No, it's fine. I can do it. Coffee. Tea mid-morning. 17. 16. Should I start at 100? 100. Breathe. 99. Breathe. 98. Nah. 20. 19. 18. Tea not so late that I can't nap after my 1:00 and before my 3:00. Maybe I should imagine now that I've just laid down for a nap. Why is this any different from a nap? In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. No, go back to the tunnel. I thought that might be working for a minute.

When will my new baseball cap come? UPS Ground; they're pretty fast. Do they really save gas making only right turns? I feel bad about my own carbon footprint. Maybe when I die I can stop worrying about the earth. At least I'll reduce my carbon footprint. Stop! Does having that thought make my cells think I want to die? 20! 19! 18! 17! 16! 15! In. Out. In. Out. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. There goes the sump pump. Please, please let me sleep. My lips are tensed, ever so slightly. Relax. 9. 8. Lips are tensed again? WTF? 7. 6. 5. 4. Will clients be offended if I wear a "life is good" baseball cap? Would that seem like I'm saying they're wrong to be struggling? Like, cheer up: life is good?

In. Please. Out. Please. In. Out. In. Out. What time is it? My head is cold again. Pull the hat down further. I should wash this hat someday. Has Ellen heard about her mammogram yet? In. Out. In. Out....